more that can be said than could ever be written in a Facebook post
Do most people feel this kind of depth?
I'm thinking about my generation's place in US history, thinking about how i feel more of an absurdist than anything these days.. a surrealist. also an activist, but also surreal… i mean, you do what you can but who wants to be preachy all day.. unless its preaching the blues.
sometimes i feel out of place, thats my place, like but maybe someday soon i will grow out of that as i settle into a feeling of place here
i don't miss the sunshine.. it feels like sacrilege but i am glad for the cloudy wet weather.. it holds you in its arms and says 'you are the brightest thing out here'
i don't care if i am seen as
eccentric. i am eccentric… its hard to constantly 'act' and be someone who acts like a normalite when really they are bonkers in sane crazy full of ideas and dreams and visions and fantasies
thats who i really am. sometimes i get critical.. enneagram theory would say thats when i am in a bad mood, or going towards 'the bad place'…. whereas the good place involves focus, depth and intensity of experience
but whatever i am tired…. i'll go back to figuring it all tomorrow
we are the system.
its hard to be completely positive for me.. its not that i don't see the upside, and if you talk emo gloom talk with me i disbelieve your doctrine quickly… but its the same for positive oversimplification.. there is a happy medium, literally, hovering just above the line between optimism that its both realistic and uplifting. lefts go there.
also, i am feeling increasingly dissociated form myself.. i need to quit smoking that should go a ways, and exercise when i need to get my ya-yas out .. and then i can be me. i have lots of good ideas. man. zach. so many ideas that are great… you need to take them to the next level… write songs that are complete. sing with your heart
..and then the doubt kicks in, just a soft of chasm in my chest that says you don't wanna try that.. you don't want to be held up as lame or unsuccessful.
fuly but how many people are just out there doing it, they are more successful than nothing right?
i want to be young and engaged and alive.. what happened to me? what happened to that zach?
the one who is fully alive and engaged, not listless and depressed and escapist. fuck.
its not that bad, but its the long term slowness of it.. maybe it will be small term changes that fix that… smally smoking reduces bad habit black lung phobia fears tonight sear the airways into your head and soul and cosmic luc of forgetting yourself in a haze of light or blight of fight insight and low light be light and free sight…. well I'm frightened of the times where words stop following my racing mind that unconsciously guides me through the maze of my own inner pathways, neurons synapses connected shorted memories and feelings and thoughts from before til the haze lifts and i am stinging flowing with a renewed sense of self only to lose it in yourself in the other and the world in the mazey crazy crashing beeping wilderness of the urban jungle of the numbers and coffee deadlines and shuffles down the halls down the shame of unliving to the max to being tired and hazy wasted lazy basted ad tipsy and regretting why i am this way that is eschewing the unknown inf aver of a slow dying in safe but excruciating semicomfortable nullness.
follow your dreams follow the freedom in you head and where will it take you? i don't know if i am naive enough to try if the dead cells in my hope chamber will device themselves and start pulsing away with revitalized energy of love and shameless rightness…. heres to reviving them one by one to guide me to my new friends that already lining up their lives to mine, to the new spots i will see the new shows i will play and the new songs i will write the new exercises i will memorize and commit to learning and growing with and expanding myself completely and wholly….. to that i sigh relief and breathe in the relaxing breath of fears melted in to a warm hopeful vision of things to be of a future tat could be just bright enough to work for relentlessly an attitude that is worth fighting through layers of sloth and regret and hate to reach lie a diamond in the jungle storm…… lets go there you me and that guy over there i am going and you may come along. buckets of metaphor shall quench our thirst for meaning as we find the treasure of our own awakened minds. slam.
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