exposition:
its seems i used to be operating from a higher level of awesomeness
and that has somehow been reduced: eliminated
heres why:
in college i was in a bubble where one could pursue a post conventional consciousness and lifestyle easily, psychedelics were around as were many post conventional people.. in mexico it was the opposite… i had to 'tighten up' to not be seen as a 'hippie' in a somewhat hostile environment.. secondly, attributes such as GRIT, bravery, quantitative skills and endurance were tested in an environment of alienation and poverty. this did indeed have me find my 'tough' place where smoking drinking listening to metal and feeling cynical gave a sense of empowerment in an unstable place.
beliefs that were held by many post conventional hippies like everyone is all one and we just need to believe and stuff when people are systematically impoverished… glorifying indigenous people when in reality they are in dire need of survival and are usually alienated from hippies and see them as a threat, meanwhile there kids are uneducated, undernourished and the men have alcohol problems and live a modern lifestyle… it just was a total reality shock to the 'ideal simple perfect' vision that people of the indigenous lineage… so you buy your organic this and your hippie dip pie self indulgent lifestyle and $500 new age retreats to make yourself feel better while this injustice is happening to these people, and you talk them up like they are gods while society makes them live like dogs. sounds like total bs. and it did make me cynical, angry, disenchanted.
we can't just believe whatever makes us feel good, while others suffer. its delusional, self serving and ignorant.
then after losing out to politics, or so it felt. and being forced to leave mexico due to my partners inability to peaceable get along with others while accepting the situation as it was, i was returned to bourgeois america after my parents generously extended an invitation to both of us. i wanted to leave her, i wanted her to go away. but i knew she had nowhere else to go. then after a brief interlude of doing sweet blissful nothing, i tried to get a job. what are my skills? well.. the lab tech, science degree, stuff was the concrete part.. so i catered to that. that was blue level sort of scientific blue collar work… and it was not satisfying to me to write down that and apply for resumes. but i did so i could get a job. then it took so long to find a fucking job that i finally ended up getting a real job… one where i advertised my highest skills of being visionary and scientific etc. that worked. but then being on the job and feeling the demand to perform logical scientific rational tasks day in day out in an office environment, having the pressure of bills, 40 hour workweek and still living with the same partner (who can sometimes be more prone to reliving childhood tantrums than expressing true empathy or nurturance) i started to feel bad. i had began drinking and smoking again in mexico and this continued. i was soon left with a dead empty feeling… repeating the same arduous week forever seemed like the myth of the guy pushing the same boulder up the same hill for eternity. this led me to feel a lack of motivation… so i have some money, but i also have more expenses and I'm not happier for any of it. what is the worth in that? to get social standing? i don't even have friends. and i certainly don't want the kind of friends who could only see my value if i made more than $35k a year. fuck
so then, after contracting the flu and not being able to work for a few days i stumbled upon the spiral dynamics type stuff. i had read thru it in college but abandoned it due to my partners contempt for it. (she thought it was used to unfairly box people into a 3rd party hierarchy) which may be true depending on ones perspective. what i had realized after immediately trying to place my self is that i have been trying so hard to be at a 'conventional' stage, such as the achiever, or expert, while it has alienated my from myself and others (who wants to be friends with a higher level person who can't let go of pedantic shit from childhood?) i am more likely to be post conventional, more likely to see systems, to value the presence of the soul and something deeper and feeling at one than to judge and quantify things. (of course this structure could be seen to favor certain types of consciousness by saying feeling states are 'higher' than thinking states.)
so maybe i am post conv, in a way that tying back to my experiences is actually learning from a trip into the world, its all learning, who has more fodder for compassion having lived at different levels, having experienced those trips. maybe i am here to realize a higher purpose and instead of trying to fit myself into a big box, i should think about what i want to do with my life… this feels like shaky ground for me… because i am 'young' and shouldn't i just follow a career path then i'll figure it out? sounds like conventional thought. but i don't want to be the bratty kid who thinks he sees beyond all convention while not realizing my own ignorance and small experience.
either way i could learn a lot by wanting to develop as a person, by tuning into my own sensitivity, and trying to take the big picture into context (this is why they hired me, it is compatible, i just have to figure out a way to make it work)
trying to find a systems, global, interconnected, authentic, visionary, compassionate, liberated role in life should be my lifes work. am i supposed to be the eco village hippie? the rational scientist working for a good cause? the enlightened, the visionary creator who has his own company? who's my client base? how to make it work? what are my real skills? do i strive to affect people, systems, technology, or all of those? and how? do i need more knowledge or education? how can i be truly impactful? how do i survive while doing these things?
it seems like this job is a good place to learn more and think about this stuff.. but its not as radical as i want to be. its not visionary. it is important work and ultimately helps the world by reducing contamination, so it is conscionable.. but beyond remediation, i want to work for sustainability, reaching into the future. sustainability science.. maybe policy is nice but i have the mental powers and predilection for science.
please help me God, i don't know what to do with my life.
i want to be happy, do something that is helpful to the unraveling of the universe (in a good way) something that makes everyones life better. i want to go big, be more than a role player. i don't know. help me. <3 p="p">
Zach
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