mega ultra super rant: hippies, squares, etccc

Here is a space to say what i want. No one knows about this blog but the fact that it is discoverable somehow makes me feel like i am not projecting these ideas into the isolation of a hard drive.

bascially, i feel like so many people are so full of shit... hippies who don't know how to think critically and believe whatever hippie nonsense is in vogue like its their job... sometimes its like they have deliberately shut off massive parts of their brain.. maybe the reason you have spiritual  dreams about dolphins is because you read about them during the day, and their supposed spiritual properties. maybe you are brainwashing your own subconscious, perhaps deliberately  all so you can forget that you have, and be pleasantly surprised by the rainbow visions you programmed in there.... on that note, why just see the positive? why split the world into 'bad and good' that sounds like the dumbest barely conscious move you could make. the word is Infinitely Complex.. and thats a good thing, thats how we got here, thats why everything is so interesting and beautiful.. not because its simple and just puppies and laughing and crystals.. dammit. just accept the world as it is, stop projecting your wishful magical thinking onto every observable phenomenon, that is the most solipsist and self absorbed reality imaginable...... maybe spending all your time and money investing in your self is actually the most republican move you can make, even though its in the name of 'gaia earth love faierty magick' you are not helping the rest of the world, you are slowly draining and suffocating it just like all americans except you have managed to do it in a way that eludes any negative feelings, since you ritualistically brainwash your self into beleieving its for a bigger cause.
instead, why not just volunteer, give to charity, or better yet learn an actual skill that will propel our world into success, learn engineering science ecology and use that to improve the world, because no amount of burning fucking candles and wishing is going to save us from ourselves you deluded self absorbed fucks.



whoo that felt nice.. i dont know how much hate i actually mean and how much just leaks in once i get started... people; do whatever you want. i just think the new age thing has some seriously wack faults and flaws that you have to work pretty hard to ignore.. but thats the whole point i spose.


next on the list; you thought youd be safe after my discussion of hippies:
 the expert skeptics: ya'll dont know shit. ya'll just think you know the minuscule amount of knowledge humanity has been able to gather and store in their relatively short collective existence. nothing has been ruled out only because it has yet to be proven. there are realms of possibility beyond your minds limits and your ability to presuppose. but you will never even experience life fully while 'debunking' everything... you dont know as much as you think


next: the squares: how boring can you get? life is full of opportunity for adventure, fun, wild experience, especially if you live in america, and even if you dont!!!!!!! why are you trying to make gray boxes to hide in. watch tv, turn off your ability to think, watch tv just forget about your realm of personal possibilites.... just follow the crowd and distract yourself from excitement with mundanity you keep the wheels of this out of control hell-truck we call society moving... power to ya.


i want to meet smart artsy people who have open minds (that does not mean believing anything, it means being open to possibilities, actually the less 'beliefs' the better!)
people who make music art and know science people who want to explore wilderness and travel and think of real ways we can use our lives to improve the condition of life here on earth.. people who are inspired by the stars, people whos hearts beat with life and who thirst for adventure, people who love the outdoors and cooking their own meals. people who laugh loudly and argue about philosphy, people who are friendly and confident and worldy, graceful in social situations and hold to deeper truths without becoming pedantic or preachy.. people who appreciate science as humanities quest to understand their own existance, people who dont fall into the trap of believing conspiracy theories they read on the internet, but maybe want to go jump in a river and brew some beer.... yes. i will find my tribe.

iamprofessorpants.tumblr.com

my tumblr is awesome. it has the best nature and science and math and landscapes and cool rocks and creatures. its a lifegasm.

i am not a 25 year old woman artist

apparently, according to blogger analysis sites, like
http://www.typealyzer.com/
http://www.genderanalyzer.com/
http://www.ageanalyzer.com/,
my blog is written by a woman (68% sure), intp or infp meyers briggs type, and either 18-25 or 26-35 age group. well, i'm a 26 year old dude and probably an ENTP but i guess i use this blog to talk about deeper shit that i cant share with others because its contentious or not well thought out or i just dont who wants to listen to me talk for 10 minutes straight about the inner depths of my mind.

so its not representative of my mind/personality as a whole. maybe i will write other things in here and see what the analytics have to say about that. for all i know their algorithms suck balls.
Z

sometimes i get really mad. sometimes i feel really great. sometimes i remember the past, sometimes i yearn for the future... what i am trying to do is make the present a better place, as it unfolds, with reference to the past and a path towards a brighter future. i have a dog. and a fancy phone and a guitar amp and apartment and all this stuff. i really just want to figure my shit out... i am going to go rock climbing and somehow i think that will solve more problems than buying shit.. mostly because i will get to get exercise make friends and get in shape... meeting cool people will help me feel at home in seattle.
 trying to not revert to smoking, trying to regulate drinking, meet more people, be positive..
i have noticed though that i have been habitually trying to make friends with the kind of people that TCM would define as 'earth' element people.. what i mean by that is, people who are cheery, happy, easy going, and conflict averse.. but i realize that just following TCM that leads to problems as i am a wood element kind of dude, and earth and wood are challenging to one another... i can see the dynamic play out as the earth people are easily offended by my perspective which is lean, analytical, divise and cutting sometimes- i also like to acknowledge the more challenging aspects of life as well as the happy parts.. i feel disingenuous when only acknowledging the positive.
also i feel like these happy sorts will NOT tell you when they disagree or are offended by something you say... so it gets to this point where i am falsely mirroring their 'positive' take on things while simultaneously offending them, and they are subtly trying to escape my presence.. or so my paranoid ideation would tell me.

the kind of people I should be seeking out are people who are empowered, smart, opinionated, edgy, and firey or watery.. according to that system. thinking back to the best friends ive had that characterization does make sense.
anyway, time to walk mr smart butt dog.

backwards and forwards and upside down

exposition: 

 its seems i used to be operating from a higher level of awesomeness

and that has somehow been reduced: eliminated

heres why:

in college i was in a bubble where one could pursue a post conventional consciousness and lifestyle easily, psychedelics were around as were many post conventional people.. in mexico it was the opposite… i had to 'tighten up' to not be seen as a 'hippie' in a somewhat hostile environment.. secondly, attributes such as GRIT, bravery, quantitative skills and endurance were tested in an environment of alienation and poverty. this did indeed have me find my 'tough' place where smoking drinking listening to metal and feeling cynical gave a sense of empowerment in an unstable place.

beliefs that were held by many post conventional hippies like everyone is all one and we just need to believe and stuff when people are systematically impoverished… glorifying indigenous people when in reality they are in dire need of survival and are usually alienated from hippies and see them as a threat, meanwhile there kids are uneducated, undernourished and the men have alcohol problems and live a modern lifestyle… it just was a total reality shock to the 'ideal simple perfect' vision that people of the indigenous lineage… so you buy your organic this and your hippie dip pie self indulgent lifestyle and $500 new age retreats to make yourself feel better while this injustice is happening to these people, and you talk them up like they are gods while society makes them live like dogs. sounds like total bs. and it did make me cynical, angry, disenchanted. 

we can't just believe whatever makes us feel good, while others suffer. its delusional, self serving and ignorant.

then after losing out to politics, or so it felt. and being forced to leave mexico due to my partners inability to peaceable get along with others while accepting the situation as it was, i was returned to bourgeois america after my parents generously extended an invitation to both of us. i wanted to leave her, i wanted her to go away. but i knew she had nowhere else to go. then after a brief interlude of doing sweet blissful nothing, i tried to get a job. what are my skills? well.. the lab tech, science degree, stuff was the concrete part.. so i catered to that. that was blue level sort of scientific blue collar work… and it was not satisfying to me to write down that and apply for resumes. but i did so i could get a job. then it took so long to find a fucking job that i finally ended up getting a real job… one where i advertised my highest skills of being visionary and scientific etc. that worked. but then being on the job and feeling the demand to perform logical scientific rational tasks day in day out in an office environment, having the pressure of bills, 40 hour workweek and still living with the same partner (who can sometimes be more prone to reliving childhood tantrums than expressing true empathy or nurturance) i started to feel bad. i had began drinking and smoking again in mexico and this continued. i was soon left with a dead empty feeling… repeating the same arduous week forever seemed like the myth of the guy pushing the same boulder up the same hill for eternity. this led me to feel a lack of motivation… so i have some money, but i also have more expenses and I'm not happier for any of it. what is the worth in that? to get social standing? i don't even have friends. and i certainly don't want the kind of friends who could only see my value if i made more than $35k a year. fuck

so then, after contracting the flu and not being able to work for a few days i stumbled upon the spiral dynamics type stuff. i had read thru it in college but abandoned it due to my partners contempt for it. (she thought it was used to unfairly box people into a 3rd party hierarchy) which may be true depending on ones perspective. what i had realized after immediately trying to place my self is that i have been trying so hard to be at a 'conventional' stage, such as the achiever, or expert, while it has alienated my from myself and others (who wants to be friends with a higher level person who can't let go of pedantic shit from childhood?) i am more likely to be post conventional, more likely to see systems, to value the presence of the soul and something deeper and feeling at one than to judge and quantify things. (of course this structure could be seen to favor certain types of consciousness by saying feeling states are 'higher' than thinking states.)

so maybe i am post conv, in a way that tying back to my experiences is actually learning from a trip into the world, its all learning, who has more fodder for compassion having lived at different levels, having experienced those trips. maybe i am here to realize a higher purpose and instead of trying to fit myself into a big box, i should think about what i want to do with my life… this feels like shaky ground for me… because i am 'young' and shouldn't i just follow a career path then i'll figure it out? sounds like conventional thought. but i don't want to be the bratty kid who thinks he sees beyond all convention while not realizing my own ignorance and small experience.

either way i could learn a lot by wanting to develop as a person, by tuning into my own sensitivity, and trying to take the big picture into context (this is why they hired me, it is compatible, i just have to figure out a way to make it work) 

trying to find a systems, global, interconnected, authentic, visionary, compassionate, liberated role in life should be my lifes work. am i supposed to be the eco village hippie? the rational scientist working for a good cause? the enlightened, the visionary creator who has his own company? who's my client base? how to make it work? what are my real skills? do i strive to affect people, systems, technology, or all of those? and how? do i need more knowledge or education? how can i be truly impactful? how do i survive while doing these things?

it seems like this job is a good place to learn more and think about this stuff.. but its not as radical as i want to be. its not visionary. it is important work and ultimately helps the world by reducing contamination, so it is conscionable.. but beyond remediation, i want to work for sustainability, reaching into the future. sustainability science.. maybe policy is nice but i have the mental powers and predilection for science.

please help me God, i don't know what to do with my life. 

i want to be happy, do something that is helpful to the unraveling of the universe (in a good way) something that makes everyones life better. i want to go big, be more than a role player. i don't know. help me. <3 p="p">

Zach

freedom of consciousness (aka removing mental levees/leaves)

more that can be said than could ever be written in a Facebook post

Do most people feel this kind of depth? I'm thinking about my generation's place in US history, thinking about how i feel more of an absurdist than anything these days.. a surrealist. also an activist, but also surreal… i mean, you do what you can but who wants to be preachy all day.. unless its preaching the blues.

 sometimes i feel out of place, thats my place, like but maybe someday soon i will grow out of that as i settle into a feeling of place here i don't miss the sunshine.. it feels like sacrilege but i am glad for the cloudy wet weather.. it holds you in its arms and says 'you are the brightest thing out here' i don't care if i am seen as eccentric. i am eccentric… its hard to constantly 'act' and be someone who acts like a normalite when really they are bonkers in sane crazy full of ideas and dreams and visions and fantasies


thats who i really am. sometimes i get critical.. enneagram theory would say thats when i am in a bad mood, or going towards 'the bad place'…. whereas the good place involves focus, depth and intensity of experience


but whatever i am tired…. i'll go back to figuring it all tomorrow


we are the system.

 its hard to be completely positive for me.. its not that i don't see the upside, and if you talk emo gloom talk with me i disbelieve your doctrine quickly… but its the same for positive oversimplification.. there is a happy medium, literally, hovering just above the line between optimism that its both realistic and uplifting. lefts go there.

 also, i am feeling increasingly dissociated form myself.. i need to quit smoking that should go a ways, and exercise when i need to get my ya-yas out .. and then i can be me. i have lots of good ideas. man. zach. so many ideas that are great… you need to take them to the next level… write songs that are complete. sing with your heart

..and then the doubt kicks in, just a soft of chasm in my chest that says you don't wanna try that.. you don't want to be held up as lame or unsuccessful. fuly but how many people are just out there doing it, they are more successful than nothing right?

 i want to be young and engaged and alive.. what happened to me? what happened to that zach?

the one who is fully alive and engaged, not listless and depressed and escapist. fuck. its not that bad, but its the long term slowness of it.. maybe it will be small term changes that fix that… smally smoking reduces bad habit black lung phobia fears tonight sear the airways into your head and soul and cosmic luc of forgetting yourself in a haze of light or blight of fight insight and low light be light and free sight…. well I'm frightened of the times where words stop following my racing mind that unconsciously guides me through the maze of my own inner pathways, neurons synapses connected shorted memories and feelings and thoughts from before til the haze lifts and i am stinging flowing with a renewed sense of self only to lose it in yourself in the other and the world in the mazey crazy crashing beeping wilderness of the urban jungle of the numbers and coffee deadlines and shuffles down the halls down the shame of unliving to the max to being tired and hazy wasted lazy basted ad tipsy and regretting why i am this way that is eschewing the unknown inf aver of a slow dying in safe but excruciating semicomfortable nullness.

 follow your dreams follow the freedom in you head and where will it take you? i don't know if i am naive enough to try if the dead cells in my hope chamber will device themselves and start pulsing away with revitalized energy of love and shameless rightness…. heres to reviving them one by one to guide me to my new friends that already lining up their lives to mine, to the new spots i will see the new shows i will play and the new songs i will write the new exercises i will memorize and commit to learning and growing with and expanding myself completely and wholly….. to that i sigh relief and breathe in the relaxing breath of fears melted in to a warm hopeful vision of things to be of a future tat could be just bright enough to work for relentlessly an attitude that is worth fighting through layers of sloth and regret and hate to reach lie a diamond in the jungle storm…… lets go there you me and that guy over there i am going and you may come along. buckets of metaphor shall quench our thirst for meaning as we find the treasure of our own awakened minds. slam.

No One Reads This

like 90% of blogs. So that means i can say whatever I want.
Leprechaun 23 skidoo. bloop bloop blop.
ahh that was cathartic. Well whos my audience? The hollow reverberation of empty interwebs? 24th century blog paleontologists?
Datamining the blogosphere archives to see how we really lived back then? Well we stay up late because we have no jobs and dont do anything of consequence. We live with our parents until our girlfriends scrape enough money working at the airplane table factory to get us into town where all the kids are. Then we get drunk and make culture happen. And maybe get careers. But first we must be the pirates and innovatrs of our age!! My role models didnt have steady jobs (for the most part). They didnt do anything except for what they felt called to do .. at least thats my idealized version.

And I cant seem to keep a train of thought. This newfangled (>20 years old okay?) internet thing has got me adhd'd to heavens gate. i cant seem to think anything with out getting derailed. And i stare at this glowing box for hours on end.
This is what happens when you raise a generation with the idea that they'll get jobs if they go to college and when they graduate you say sorry we broke the economy, but blockbuster is hiring, or at least until tehy get put out of the biz by netflix. anyway enjoy yourself. I need to get where the accion is, where there are young people doing things.

I want to build a motorbike, I want to make crazy jam music, I want to have FUN i want to play guitar I want to create beautiful sounds for the peoples of the world. and get famous doing it. or at least be an engineer and design stuff. but heres my boggle with that: you have to take 3 years of heavy math (calc 1 2 3, etc) but you probably wont end up using it. I just want to use my potential. I feel lost in this world sometimes. I forget who I am, forget my true potential, to rock. I get lost in my surroundings, in what I'm doing on the daily, that i forget to be UltraMe. And I'm not lazy I just feel lost.

So, when I get to an environment where shit is crack a lackin i will open up and be the cosmic snowflake looking flower that i truly am. its just hard to go against the grain of the place you live. old people suburbia etc.

we'll see just how awesome i can be. i just need to find my vortex, my note in the chord my cosmic vibrational resonance reflected in the right place allowing me to truly sing. godspeed.
Z